| Ethnic & Cultural Humor | Cornucopia Catch-All | Holiday Humor | Corny & Puns | What a Saying! | Wal-Mart |
1. Why was the queer fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
2. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick tomatoes.
3. What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
4. Why are they having trouble finding a cure for aids? The scientists can't get the little mice to butt fuck.
5. What's black, has white eyes and knocks on glass? A black in a microwave.
6. Why don't blacks like blow jobs? They don't like any jobs.
7. What do you call two Vietnamese in a Trans Am? The gooks of hazard.
8. Did you hear about the Polish lesbian? She loved men.
9. Why are scientists breeding Mexicans instead of rats for experiments? They multiply faster and you don't get attached to them.
10.How do you know when a Pakistani boy becomes a man? They take the diaper off his ass and put it on his head.
11. Why are Jewish men circumcised? Jewish women won't get anything unless it's 20% off.
12. What do you get when you cross a black with a Sioux Indian? A boy named Sue.
13. What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A Manila folder.
14. When a man and a woman get married they need a marriage license. What do lesbians need? A licker license.
15. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Vietnamese? A car thief that can't drive.
16. Why do blacks keep chickens? To teach their kids how to walk.
17. How do you make a black person nervous? Take him to an auction.
18. Why did God invent the climax? So the blacks would know when to stop fucking.
19. What do you call a black woman with braces? A black and decker pecker wrecker.
20. Did you hear about the two Mexicans on "That's Incredible?" One had car insurance and the other was an only child.
21. What's the definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
22. What do you get when you cross a Jewish American princess with a computer? A computer that never goes down on you.
23. What's a Jewish American princess's favorite whine? "I want to go to Miami."
24. How do know when a Jewish American princess has an orgasm? She drops her nail file.
25. What's the difference between a Jewish American princess and Jello? The Jello moves when you eat it.
26. What's six miles long and goes four miles per hour? A Mexican funeral with one set of jumper cables.
27. What do get when you cross a Mexican and an Italian? A guy who makes an offer you can't understand.
28. Why did the police take 911 off of the side of their patrol cars? The Mexicans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches.
29. Why don't they use the 911 system in Poland? The Pollacks can't find 11 on the phone.
30. Why do Mexicans have noses? So they have something to pick in the winter.
31. What do gays refer to hemorrhoids as? Speed bumps.
32. How does a Jewish American princess do it doggy style? Make him beg for an hour.
33. What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
34. What's the most confusing day in Harlem? Father's Day.
35. What do you call a black man in a tree? The branch manager.
36. Why don't pygmies use tampons? They keep stepping on the strings.
37. What do you call lipstick for blacks? Mop and glow.
38. What does spaghetti and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
39. Did you hear the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots? They're going play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
40. What do you call a gay in a wheelchair? Rollaids.
41. Why did they cancel drivers ed in Mexico? The donkey died.
42. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
43. Why don't Pollacks eat M&Ms? They're too hard to peel.
44. What's the definition of an African momeback? The black that rides the back of the garbage truck yelling "momeback, momeback" to the driver.
45. What's the definition of a lesbian? Just another woman trying to do a man's job.
46. What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? The genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
47. What's the most useless thing on a Polish woman's body? A Polish man.
48. How was copper wire invented? By two Jews fighting over a penny.
49. What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed? The dead sea.
50. How do you ruin a Polish party? Flush the punch bowl.
51. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
52. What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? At a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker".
53. Why do Italian men have mustaches? So they can look like their mothers.
54. What do get when you cross a Chicano with a Pollack? A kid that spray paints his name on a chain link fence.
55. Why did God invent golf? So white people could dress up like blacks.
56. Did you hear that Alitalia and El al were merging to form a new airline? It's called "Vel-Italia".
57. Why do Mexicans drive low riders? So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.
58. What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece? He married her.
59. Did you hear about the Italian who picked his nose apart to see what makes it run.
60. What's the definition of black foreplay? Don't scream or I'll kill you.
61. Why do Mexican women wear long skirts? To hide the no-pests strips.
62. Why did the Mexican army only use 600 men at the Alamo? They only had two cars.
63. Why do Mexican cars have such small steering wheels? So they can drive with handcuffs on.
64. On the return of Reverend Jesse Jackson's trip, reporters asked him how he liked Beirut. He said "Okay, but I like Hank Aaron better."
65. What's black and white and black, white and red? A black and a pelican fighting over a carp.
66. What's the definition of worthless? A 7'2" black with a small dick that can't play basketball.
67. Why do blacks wear wide-brimmed hats? So the pigeons can't shit on their lips.
68. What do get when you cross a black with a groundhog? Six more weeks of basketball season.
69. How do we know Adam and Eve weren't black? Ever try taking away ribs from a black?
70. Did you hear about the little black kid that had diarrhea? He thought he was melting.
71. Did you hear about the new black French restaurant? It's called Chez What.
72. What do you call four blacks in a '57 Chevy? A blood vessel.
73. What's black and shines in the dark? Oakland.
74. What did Lincoln say after a five day drunk? I freed the what?
75. What do you call redneck foreplay? "Get in the truck bitch."
76. Did you hear about the new brand of Jewish tires? Not only do they stop on a dime they pick it up.
77. What's the difference between a vulture and a Jewish mother? A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out.
78. What's a Jewish American princess's idea of natural childbirth? Absolutely no make up.
79. What does a Jewish American princess do during a nuclear holocaust? Get out the sun reflector.
80. Did you hear about the Polish abortion clinic? It has a year-long waiting list.
81. Did you hear about how the Polish hockey team drowned? Spring training.
82. How do you break a Pole's finger? Punch him in the nose.
83. Did you hear about the Pole that lost $50 betting on a football game? $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
84. What's green and flies over Poland? Peter Panski.
85. What do you call a Pole with 1500 girlfriends? A shepherd.
86. What happens when a Pole doesn't pay his garbage bill? They stop delivering.
87. What did the Pollack do before he went to the cockfight? He greased his zipper.
88. Why can't they circumcise Iranians? There is no end to those pricks.
89. What do get when you cross a gay Eskimo with a black? A snowblower that doesn't work.
90. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians at a fish market.
91. What do you get when you cross a goat with a black? A weedeater that doesn't work.
92. Why did the British ships come back from the Falklands full of sheep? Warbrides.
93. What do you call a Japanese guy on Qualudes? Mellow yellow.
94. What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? Erection day.
95. In Greece, how do they separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
96. What do you call an Italian that marries a black? A social climber.
97. What's the difference between a Jewish American princess and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around for nine months after you use it.
98. Did you hear about the black guy that they found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head? He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
99. Why don't they let Pollacks swim in the ocean? They leave a ring.
100. Why does the new Polish navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old Polish navy.
101. Why don't they give Pollacks more than a half hour for lunch? They don't want to retrain them.
102. Why don't Pollacks make Kool-Aid? They can't figure out how to get a quart of water into the envelope.
103. How was the Grand Canyon formed? A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
104. What's big and white and lives on the bottom of the ocean? The Ku Klux Klam.
105. Why does Georgia have blacks and California have earthquakes? California had first pick.
106. What's red, green, purple, blue, yellow and orange? An Italian all dressed up.
107. What do you get when you cross a Jew with a gypsy? A chain of empty stores.
108. What do call a gay dentist? A tooth fairy.
109. Why don't black women become nuns? They can't say superior after mother.
110. What's Scotland? A place where men are men and sheep are nervous.
111. What's a Greek gentleman? A man who takes a girl out three times before he propositions her brother.
112. What do call an uncircumcised Jewish baby? A girl.
113. Where can you buy panties made of fertilizer bags? Fredericks of Poland.
114. How can you recognize an Italian airline? It has hair under the wings.
115. Did you hear about the new organization that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor are forming? The Ignited Negro College Fund.
116. What's the difference between a teacup and peacup? A teacup is what the English drink tea out of and a peacup is what Mexicans drive.
117. What do you use to blindfold a Chinaman? A string.
118. Did you hear about the new record company that Marvin Gaye's father is forming? It's called Mowdown.
119. What do you get when seventeen blacks are sky diving and their parachutes don't open? A new parking lot.
120. What's the difference between blacks and snow tires? The snow tires won't sing when you put chains on them.
121. What do you call a black driving a Roll Royce? A car thief.
122. What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them the more English you get out of them.
123. Why are synagogues round? So the Jews can't hide in the corners when the collection basket is passed around.
124. Did you hear about the new movie starring Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor, it's called Blazing Sambos.
125. Why don't Italians take showers? Oil and water don't mix.
126. What's the difference between an elephant and an old Italian lady? A black dress and a mustache.
127. What's a weiner? The first person to cross the finish line at a Mexican track meet.
128. Why did the gay suspect that his lover had been cheating on him? He came home shit-faced.
129. What's the difference between the Titanic and Vanessa Williams? We know how many people went down on the Titanic.
130. Did you hear that Vanessa Williams' parents posed nude in a magazine? The National Geographic.
131. What's the German word for Vaseline? Vienerslide.
132. What's the German word for virgin? Goodentite.
133. Two Irishmen leave a bar. Hey, it could happen.
134. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
135. How can a Mexican girl tell when her mother is having her period? When her brother's dick tastes funny.
136. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
137. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? How can you find an egg in all this shit!
138. How did all the queers in San Francisco prepare for an earthquake? They had all their shit packed.
139. Why do Scottish men wear kilts? The sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
140. How do queers fake an orgasm? They spit on their partner's back.
141. A Mexican couple had just given birth to twin boys in the hospital. The proud father admiring the boys in the nursery, became prouder when he noticed how well endowed they were. The doctor, seeing the father standing there, came up and asked "what are going to name them." The father turned and said, "Hose A and Hose B."
142. Did you hear about the new Mexican cheese snack for blacks called Nacho Mama?
143. Did you hear that they are going to start up the draft again. They are going to take all the queers first, because they got all their shit packed.
144. Two queers are walking past a funeral home, one queer says to the other one "Let's go in for a cold one."
145. A woman goes to the doctor complaining of headaches. The doctor starts asking her questions to determine a diagnosis. He asks, "are you under a lot of stress?" The lady says, "No I am not." "Are you having financial or other problems?" She says, "No everything is fine there." Finally the doc asks, "How about your husband, is he a nagger?" She says, "No sir, he's a white man."
146. What is Fie Fie Fee, Fo Fo Fee Fee? Leon Spinks' phone number.
147. Why don't black people take Tylenol? Pulling out the cotton brings back bad memories.
148. What do you call "Ho de do, ho de do, ho de do?" Three blacks trying to catch an elevator.
149. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
150. A black man was walking home from work, when he noticed a dead donkey laying beside the railroad tracks. He decides to play a little joke on his wife, so he cuts off the donkey's dick and sticks it in his lunchbox. When he gets home he hands the box to his wife and says "Here's a big surprise!" She opens the box and screams, "The preacher is dead, the preacher is dead."
151. This golf course had a lot of silver, shiny robots that took care of the greens and all the landscaping. One day, a golfer complained that the reflection of the sun off the robots, was distracting him. The golf course decided to paint all the robots flat black. The next day three of the robots didn't show up for work, and another one held up the Pro shop.
152. A black woman was telling her friend, that she had seven sons and she named them all Leroy. Her friend said, "Isn't that a little confusing having all your boys with the same name?" She said, "It makes it easy to call them all, I just say "Leroy come here for dinner" and they all come." The friend said, "What if you just want to call one of them, like the oldest or the youngest?" She said, "Then I call 'em by their last name."
153. A black woman told her doctor, that she was bleeding from down there. The doctor asked, if she was having her period. She said "No." He then asked her, "What kind of flow do you have?" She said "Linoleum."
154. What goes "clippity-clop clippity-clop, bang bang, clippity-clop clippity-clop, bang bang?" An Amish drive by shooting.
155. Two guys sitting at a bar, one says to the other one "I noticed you speak with a Polish accent, are you from Poland?" The guy replies, "Yah, I'm from Poland, in fact, I'm from Warsaw." The other guy says, "that's unbelievable I'm from Warsaw too." He then asks the other guy, "What street did you live on?" The other guy says, "I lived on 42nd street." The other guy says, "that's incredible I lived on 42nd street too. What was your address?" The other guy replies, "1960." The other guy jumps up and says "1960 was my address too, this is just unbelievable." Meanwhile, down at the other end of the bar, a guy asks the bartender "what's all the commotion down there?" "The bartender says, "Those twins are getting drunk again."
156. Three Rednecks were working on a very tall tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
How To Speak Ebonics
157. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.
158. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and da hotel everybody.
159. Disappointment - My parole officer tell me, if I miss disappointment, I goin' back.
160. Israel - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, "Man dat looks fake." He said, "Bullshit, dat watch Israel."
161. Catacomb - Don King was at da fight the other night. Man, somebody oughta give dat catacomb.
162. Undermine - Dere be a fine lookin ho livin in da partment undermine.
163. Acoustic - When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
164. Iraq - When we got to da pool hall, I tell my uncle, "Iraq, you break."
165. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "You plan on stain fo dinner?"
166. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.
167. Honor - At da rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
168. Odyssey - I tol my brother, "You odyssey the tits on that ho!
169. Tripoli - I was gonna buy my ol' lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli.
170. Fortify - I axed the ho, "How much?" She said, "Fortify."
171. Income - I just got in bed with da ho and income my wife.
172. Penis - I went to the doctor. The nurse gave me a plastic cup and said, "Penis."
173. Pacific - I axed Loc-Dogg where dem fools did the drive by and all he said was, Over there, so I axed him to be more pacific.
174. Foreclose - If I pay alimony dis week, I'll have no money foreclose.
175. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
176. Omelette - I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.
1. Why are the Browns changing their names to the tampons? They're only good for one period and they have no second string.
2. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
3. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
4. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
5. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
6. Why are they having trouble finding a cure for aids? The scientists can't get the little mice to butt fuck.
7. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
8. Why did the guy call his dog herpes? Because he wouldn't heel.
9. Why did God invent women? Because sheep can't cook.
10. What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her legs.
11. What's the definition of gross? When you open your refrigerator and your rump roast farts at you.
12. Why does Helen Keller have yellow legs? Because her dog is blind too.
13. How do tell if you have real bad acne? A blind man reads your face.
14. Did hear about the deodorant called umpire? It's for foul balls.
15. How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore-skin divers.
16. Why aren't cowboys circumcised? So they have some place to put their Skoal when they are eating.
17. How do you make a baby float? A glass of rootbeer and two scoops of baby.
18. What does Frankie Avalon and Michael Jordan have in common? They both like to slam it in a net. [Annette]
19. Why is a Moped like a fat lady? They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on either of them.
20. What's the best thing to give an eighty-year-old lady? Mikey, he'll eat anything.
21. What do call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
22. What does spaghetti and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
23. What's the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss.
24. If our ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come over? On the captain's dinghy.
25. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
26. What do you call a cow playing with himself? Beef strokenoff.
27. What's green and red and goes a hundred miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
28. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
29. What's old and wrinkled and smells like Ginger? Fred Astaire's face.
30. What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable? Manipulating the wheelchair.
31. What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? The genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
32. What is black and crispy and comes on a stick? Joan of Arc.
33. Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet? They can't decide whether to do him crispy or extra crispy.
34. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? She uses the other one to moan with.
35. What's yellow and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono.
36. What's the hardest thing about AIDS? Leaving your friends behind.
37. What's the difference between a hog and a man? A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night so he can screw some pig.
38. Did you hear that Alitalia and El al were merging to form a new airline? It's called "Vel-Italia".
39. What do call a midget psychic who just committed a crime? A small medium at large.
40. What do get when you cross a black with a groundhog? Six more weeks of basketball season.
41. Why do farts smell? So deaf people can appreciate them too.
42. What goes "mark, mark"? A dog with a harelip.
43. What goes "nort, nort"? A bull with a cleft palate.
44. Did you hear about the man that couldn't spell? He spent the night in a warehouse.
45. Did you hear about the guy that got his vasectomy at Sears? Every time he gets a hard-on the garage door goes up.
46. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch.
47. How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? Her ankles swell up when she farts.
48. Why is it so great to be a test tube baby? You get a womb with a view.
49. What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could have used? A good stroke.
50. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal.
51. What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield? It's ass.
52. What's the fourth biggest lie? It's only a cold sore.
53. Definition of a wife: an attachment you screw on the bed that gets the housework done.
54. What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your vasectomy.
55. Why did God create man? Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn.
56. Why was time called in the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
57. How do you tell if a Valentine is from a leper? If the tongue is in the envelope.
58. What's the definition of mixed emotions? Watching your mother-in-law backing off of a cliff in your new Mercedes.
59. Why does Dolly Parton have such a thin waist? Nothing grows in the shade.
60. What's the definition of a real buddy? Someone who'll go downtown, get two blow jobs and come back and give you one.
61. What do call the sweat between Dolly Parton's boobs? Mountain dew.
62. What kind of car does Renee Richards drive? A convertible.
63. What's brown, soft and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's first movement.
64. What's red, green, purple, blue, yellow and orange? An Italian all dressed up.
65. Did you hear about the new cereal called Queerios? You add milk and they eat themselves.
66. Did you hear about the new cereal called Prostituties? You pour milk on them and they just lie there.
67. What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil? A religious movement.
68. What happened to the pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him.
69. What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste.
70. What's yellow and green and eats nuts? Gonorrhea.
71. What has orange hair, big feet and comes out of a test tube? Bozo the clone.
72. Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? There is no John.
73. Where does virgin wool come from? From sheep that the herders couldn't catch.
74. Why are electrical trains like a woman's tits? They were originally intended for children, but it's the fathers who play with them.
75. What's brown and furry and lays in the woods? Smokey the hooker.
76. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche owner? With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
77. Why did they take John Wayne toilet paper off the market? Because it was rough and tough and it wouldn't take shit off of anyone.
78. What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and shouting your own name.
79. Why are the Pink Panther and a gigolo alike? They are both peter sellers.
80. What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool? Throw in the laundry.
81. What do seven-foot tall basketball players do in the off season? Go to movies and sit in front of you.
82. Why do lions in Africa go around licking each other's rear ends? To get the taste of natives out of their mouths.
83. What does Loretta Switt and Richard Prior have in common? The both had Major Burns on their faces.
84. Do you know why Mondale replaced Ferraro with Vanessa Williams? She already knew how to lick bush.
85. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute? A two ton pick-up.
86. What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip.
87. What's the best thing to come out of a dick? The wrinkles.
88. What do get when you cross M&Ms with a rooster? A cock that melts in your mouth not in your hand.
89. Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner, if you got a good hand.
90. What company is the leading manufacturer of vibrators? Genital Electric.
91. What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? One has fits while she shucks.
92. An old man and his wife were sitting on the front porch, rocking away when suddenly, she gets up and hits the old man on the side of the head. The old man says "Why in the hell did you hit me in the head?" the old lady replies, "It's for all the years of having lousy sex." A while later, the old man gets up and hits her upside the head. The old lady says, "What the hell are you hitting me for?" The old man says, "that's for knowing the difference."
93. A woman is riding in the back of cab, when she realizes she doesn't have enough money to pay for the fare. So she pulls up her dress and says to the driver, "this is all I have." The driver turns around and looks at her and says, "You got anything smaller?"
94. Do you know what the female reindeer were doing, while the male reindeer were out delivering toys with Santa? They were in town blowing a few bucks.
95. Why is having sex like snowing? When it starts you don't know how many inches you are going to get, or when it's going to stop.
96. Why are single women like dog shit? The older they get the easier they are to pickup.
97. A fire captain walks into the fire station, and finds two firemen corn-holing each other. The captain says "what the hell are you doing, you should be practicing artificial resuscitation." One of the firemen looks up and says, "that's how we got started."
98. A three-legged dog limps into a bar, the bartender asks him, "What do you want to drink?" the dog says, "I don't want anything, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
99. A veterinarian and taxidermist opened a business together, their motto was "One way or another you will get your dog back."
100. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? None they just sit in the dark and bitch about it.
101. Did you hear about the new brand of tampons called Tightwads?
102. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can reason with a terrorist.
103. My mother was very rich; she also was an epileptic. She went to an auction one day and lost everything she had.
104. Three men had gone golfing every Saturday for several years, when one day one of the men said, "I can't play golf this Saturday because I'm going to have surgery." The other two men were shocked and asked him what the problem was. He said, "I was born with two sets of genitals one male and one female, I'm finally getting the female genitals removed." One of the other men said "Why do that, why don't you get the male ones removed so you could use the red tees?"
105. A man and his wife were playing golf; the man severely sliced the ball which landed well off the fairway near a barn. The wife says, "You know dear, if you open both doors you'll get a straight shot at the green." The man agreed, so after opening both doors the man took his shot. The ball bounced off of the barn, struck his wife on the head and killed her instantly. Three weeks later, the man and a friend were playing golf at the same course, and the same hole the same thing happened again. The friend says, "If you open both doors you'll get a straight shot at the green." The man says, "No, the last time I did that I got a double-bogey."
106. A doctor has three girl friends, and he can't decide which one to marry, so he gives each of them five thousand dollars. The first one spent all the money on herself, the second one spent all of her money on him, and the third one invested the money, doubled it and gave it all back to him. Which one did he decide to marry? The one with the big breasts.
107. A man has just finished eating in a restaurant, and he leaves three pennies for a tip. The waitress sees this and walks up to the man and says, "I can tell a lot about a person just by the tip they leave." Touching the first penny, "this tells me you are a business man, the second penny tells me you are a bachelor." The man says, "That's right, what does the "third -penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
108. A dead skunk and dead lawyer are found lying in the road. What is in front of the skunk that is not in front of the lawyer? Skid marks.
109. The invisible man runs into a doctor's office, the nurse says, "I'm sorry the doctor can't see you now."
110. Three vampires go into a bar, the bartender says, "What will you have?" The first vampire says, "I'll have a blood." The second vampire says, "I'll have a blood too." The third vampire says, "I'll have a plasma." The bartender says, "Let me get this straight, you're going to have two bloods and blood light."
111. Why does Dolly Parton buy her bras at Nissan dealerships? They are the only ones that have 280 Z's.
112. Did you hear about the new beer from Bud called Scud lite? You have to drink fifteen of them before they ever hit you.
113. Did you hear about the new condoms called Saddams? It's for pricks that won't pullout.
114. The police round up all the prostitutes in town and haul them all to the police station. There are so many to be booked that they got them lined up outside. When along comes a little old lady, who recognizes her granddaughter standing in the line. She says, "what are you waiting in line for?" The girl a little embarrassed why she's there says, "They are giving out free oranges." The old lady says "that's nice" and keeps on walking. A little while later she thinks she would like some of those free oranges. After standing in line for a long time, she finally gets up to the sergeant at the desk, who says "lady aren't you a little old for this?" The old lady replies "When I take my teeth out I can really suck 'em dry."
115. A woman knows her husband is cheating on her, and after the seventh or eighth time, she finds him sleeping with a midget. The woman is hysterical; she says, "how can keep on doing this?" The man replies "you can see I'm tapering off."
116. What can jellybeans do that no man can do? Come in different colors.
117. What's the difference between a job and a wife? After ten years the job still sucks.
118. A woman sees a veterinarian about her dog's snoring during her soap operas. The vet tells her to tie a ribbon around the dog's dick when he starts snoring, and he will stop. That afternoon, the woman was watching "Days of our lives "when the dog starts snoring. The woman gets a red ribbon and ties it around the dog's dick, and sure enough he stops snoring. That night, her husband, after playing poker with the guys, comes home drunk, crawls in bed and begins snoring. The woman gets up, finds a blue ribbon and ties it around the man's dick. During the night, the man gets up to go to the bathroom He notices the blue ribbon tied on him and the red ribbon on the dog, he says to the dog "I don't know where we've been but we won first and second place.
119. A newly wed couple was in their honeymoon suite; the husband was sitting on the bed, pondering "How am I going to tell her about my stinky feet problem?" He decides to take off his socks, throw them under the bed and run into the shower. Meanwhile, his wife is pondering "How am I going to tell him about my bad breath problem?" She decides to give him a big kiss when he gets out of the shower and just confront him with it. He gets out of the shower, she runs up to him and gives him a big kiss, he says" Oh no, you ate my socks!"
120. My dog broke a mirror last week, he got forty nine years of bad luck.
121. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
122. How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
123. Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time.
124. How can you tell if a person is a real smart ass? He can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
125. A guy with his hair in spikes, all dyed different colors, is walking down the street. An old man also walking down the street is staring at the young man. The young man says "hey what are you staring at, this is a free country I can dress or look any way I want." The old man says, "I don't care about that, about twenty years ago I screwed a peacock, I thought you were my son."
126. What do you call a gathering of 10 women with PMS and 10 women with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party.
127. How can you make a cat go woof? Pour gasoline over it and throw a match on it.
128. God comes down to the Garden of Eden, and says to Adam "Hey Adam, where's Eve? Adam says "She's in that pond over there wading." God says, "Darn now we'll never get that smell off of those fish."
129. What is a diaphragm? A trampoline for dickheads.
130. How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer? There's white-out on the screen
131. The captain of a pirate ship was interviewing for a first-mate. Along comes this old seaman that had a patch over his eye, a peg-leg and a hook for a hand. The captain says "Hey mate, how'd you lose your leg?" The seaman replies, "I got it shot off with a cannonball and replaced with a peg." He then asks him how he lost his hand, the seaman replies, "I got it cut off in a sword fight, they replaced it with a hook." The captain says, "Well then what happened to your eye?" The old seaman says, "I was looking up at the crows nest when a seagull dropped doo doo in my eye." The captain says, "My word man, you mean you lost your eye to seagull doo doo!" "No sir, It was my first day with the hook."
132. A man had passed away after a lengthy illness. His wife for the last thirty years was at the funeral home making the final arrangements. The woman said to the funeral director "Would you please lay him out in a blue suit." He said no problem and he was laid out in a blue suit. The woman upon reviewing the casket said "I'm sorry but I think he would look better in a brown suit, if it's not too much bother." The funeral director said, "No bother just leave the room for a few minutes and I'll take care of it." A minute later the director calls the woman in to review the coffin. The woman says "He looks so much better in brown hope it wasn't too much trouble. "The director says no trouble at all we just switched heads."
133. A young boy was transferred to a new school. On his first day there, the teacher asked him to stand up and introduce himself to the class. The boy stands up and says, "Hi my name is Tommy Fuckhauer." The teacher is aghast, she says "That can't be your real name." The boy says "If you don't believe me go ask my big sister in the fourth grade." The teacher walks down to the fourth grade classroom and asks the teacher "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" The teacher replies, "Fuck hour, we barely get time for lunch."
134. My wife is the type who will buy anything that is marked down. Last week she came home with an escalator.
135. This guy goes to a whorehouse and asks what can he get for $20. The madame tells him he can't get a woman but there is a chicken out back he can mess around with. So the guy mounts the chicken and rogers the hell out him. The next week the guy comes back and asks if he can fuck the chicken again. The madame says no because he fucked the bird to death. The guy asks what can he get for $10. The madame takes him to a room full of men watching two lesbians making love. The guy nudges the man next to him and says, "this is pretty good." The man replies, "you should have been here last week, some jerk was fucking a chicken."
136. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
THINGS YOU CAN SAY AT THANKSGIVING AND GET AWAY WITH.
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Yeah, just take the end and tug on it. I promise it'll bring you good luck.
1. Two satellite dishes met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I cut off your arms!"
12. I went to a seafood disco last week ...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks. "Is the bar tender here?"
15. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
16. A snail goes into a car dealership, and asks the salesman for a "Z" car, but instead of the "Z" he would like a "S" put on it. The salesman agrees and the next day the snail comes to get the car. The snail gets in the car and hauls ass off the car lot. The salesman turns to another salesman standing there and says, "Look at that "S" car go!
17. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is good but there is no atmosphere.
18. Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples." "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied. "That's amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind." She said, "OK." "First of all", asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred."
19. Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to go Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
BUT WAIT--THERE'S MOREI!
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in it. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
3. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
5. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. "--Jeff Foxworthy
6. "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
7. "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
8. "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman
9. "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
10. "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
11. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'" --Conan O'Brien
12. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
13. "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West.'" --Richard Jeni
14. "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
15. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
16. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
17. "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
18. "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
19. "Suppose you were an idiot .... and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself" --Mark Twain
20. "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
21. "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
22. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" --Roseanne
23. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal
24. "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you look that says, 'My God, you're right. I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
25. Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
1. A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-mart with her two kids. The Wal-mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"? The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?" "Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"
2. A woman is at the checkout line in Wal-mart. This drunken man behind her says. "I bet you are single." She looks at her merchandise - deodorant, pantyhose, some aspirin and cough syrup, trying to understand how the drunk knew she was single. Finally, she asks the drunk, "How did you know that?" And the drunk replies, "Because you're ugly!"
3. I used to have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (duhhhh). On a whim, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line, was by now, enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I was in the hospital because I had been poisoned by the Purina? I said to her "No. I was sitting in the street licking my balls and a car ran over me."